Friday, July 13, 2012

Random Contemplation

Well hello there. Apparently, I just turned 19. Well, not exactly 'just', more like 5 or 6 days ago but who cares anyway. 5 or 6 days ago seems like history to me now, I noticed time have the ability to be both fast and slow moving at the same time, how curious. Time issues aside, yeah, I'm 19, and on the day that I turned 19, I looked like this :

Now, what the picture doesn't show is how sick I feel at the time. And I wore some makeup (translation: powder, blusher, eyeliner and lip balm) for a change since my face and hormones decided to go against me ON MY BIRTHDAY. But we made up so I slap some mask on my face for like every two night now for punishment. Also, cookies, I finished 2 big packets in 1 and a half day. I'm not making sense. Anyway, I didn't even remember turning 18, it was THAT busy of a year and suddenly guess what? I'm 19! Oh boy, last year of having that 'teen' at the end of my age.

I guess I panicked. Recently singled (no I'm not gonna rant, that's too cheesy and cliche and annoying to be read), scared of growing up, feeling like I screwed everything up, some stupid scholarship thing that's been bugging me, degree intake results, I was wishing I'm back in elementary school. Honestly I feel like that wet lost kitten in the rain. I ended up having a messy breakdown at a parking lot and never felt stupider than that.

Well, I got over it. I mean, yeah, it'll come back but I got over the worst part I think. I know I'm probably over sensitive, and I'm not good with people. I can be friendly, but more like polite-friendly and shy-friendly if you get what I'm saying. You get the drift. So I'm not very into telling others about my problem. I have my people who I confide to but I rarely come crying to them. More like 'Hey I've a problem so now help me or just listen and give me your opinion'. And so I write.

So I remembered why I start blogging. Because I can say what I like. And well, maybe my situation before doesn't give me that freedom to write everything anymore. Of course, social stuffs too. And some constraints (witty comments on the power that be could result in jail time or something). You know the things. And I was crying in the parking lot and thought to myself 'You know what, screw this, screw everything'.

And I drove away, finish all my business and drove around my uneasy mother (can't blame her, I suddenly starts crying and suddenly stop, she have such a weird daughter).

I'm trying to 'evolve', I think that's the word. It's not changing, it's like evolving. I'm still me. I will write what I want. But maybe not like I did back in high school. I got pretty mean back then, though I kinda like my style. It's so full of kick-ass, screw you, teen-angst attitude. But I can't carry on being that kid anymore. I guess I'm moving on and, you know, evolve.

And yeah, intake results is on Monday, 2 more days of watching Adventure Time with Finn and Jake to make me relax. I made mom watch it too today but she fell asleep. Oh well.

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